Irises in the Moonlight
by Lea of Mirkwood
Summary: Set in Book Five: Songfic, one shot to Iris, (I'm sorry, Lindi, I stole your song.) Jesse watches Susannah sleep and wishes he could tell her he loves her, and that she is the next life to him. Please read and review.


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Irises in the Moonlight

Laura Harland, LeaSheElf@netscape.net

Disclaimer: The Goo-Goo Dolls own the song, Meg Cabot owns Jesse and Susannah.

This fanfiction in no way takes ownership of Ms. Cabot's work nor am I in any way being paid for this. It is solely for my enjoyment and meant as homage to these books.

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The moonlight poured in through Susannah's bedroom window and pooled like molten silver on the floor. But the pale light was not solely from the moon, as I well knew. Much of it came from my own glow. She can't see me now, and I am thankful for that. She's sleeping, her arm tossed carelessly across the pillow and her chocolate hair falling heavily over the white pillow like a curtain of dark silk. I reached out to her and just barely brushed her cheek with the backs of my fingers.

__

I'd _give__ up __forever__ to __touch__ you   
__'Cause__ I __know__ that you __feel__ me __somehow_

I recalled clearly, piercingly, the coldness of the foggy hall from which she rescued me. All the time I was there I felt a tug on my heart, as though someone had placed a hook through my chest and was lightly tugging on it. Now I could never go back there. Nor would I want to.

_You're__ the __closest__ to __heaven__ that __I'll__ever__ be   
And I __don't__want__ to go __home__right__ now_

I could feel the light breath from her lips rush over my fingertips, and I closed my eyes for a moment, relishing the feeling of _feeling_. For so long, there had been no one in the world able to touch me back if I touched them. All they felt was cold, cold, cold. But Susannah could touch me back, a reality I had tasted for a brief moment that night. Before the silences began. She was so alive, so alive it was painful to watch her laugh and cry and talk. She moved with such vivacity and animation that I am forced to return to the painful realization that _she is alive_. And I am dead.

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And all I can _taste__ is __this__moment__   
And all I can __breathe__ is __your__life_

How much longer do I have? Sooner or later Susannah will find out what is keeping me here, and then I will be gone. Every moment spent with Susannah is a treasure to me, because I know that they must be limited. Once a child lived here. I watched the child grow up into a young woman.

_'Cause__sooner__ or __later__it's__ over   
I __just__don't__want__ to __miss__ you __tonight_

She was plain but smart. As she grew up I watched her talk with her parents about life and marriage. She married a man who loved her. He died. She died in this room, all while I stayed the same. This will happen to Susannah. She will live her life, and I will watch her. She will grow old and I will stay the same. She will die and I will not be able to follow her. Because I am stuck here. I will be stuck here forever.

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And I _don't__want__ the __world__ to see me   
__'Cause__ I __don't__think__ that they'd __understand_

No one knows about me but Susannah. I hear her friends talk with her about so-and-so at school, and how they wish they could date so-and-so. They don't know about me. They don't know I long to kiss Susannah every time I am in her presence.

_When__everything's__made__ to be __broken__   
I __just__want__ you to __know__ who I am_

I want to tell her, but she keeps looking at me with these incomprehensible eyes, those maddening green eyes of hers that tell me nothing of her thoughts. I don't know if she loves me, if she hates me, if she wants me to leave, all I know is that she is looking at me, my lovely querida. 

__

And you _can't__fight__ the __tears__ that __ain't__coming__   
Or the __moment__ of __truth__ in __your__lies_

Saving her from her own messes, keeping her from killing herself in her own schemes. My heart had stopped when I found her in her brother's room, terrified. At first I laughed. What a paranoid, my little darling. But then Maria- she went so still when I drew her close, and I thought she wanted me to release her. But then she looked at me like I was insane, and I wondered.

_When__everything__feels__like__ the __movies__   
And you __bleed__just__ to __know__you're__alive__   
And I __don't__want__ the __world__ to see me   
__'Cause__ I __don't__think__ that they'd __understand_

I wish she could know I love her. I wish she could see me now, sitting on the side of her bed and watching her sleep, breathe, live. Maybe she could understand. Being with her was heaven. I didn't need her to find me a way to the next life. I was in it.

_When__everything's__made__ to be __broken__   
I __just__want__ you to __know__ who I am._

I just want you to know who I am.

Te amo, querida. Te quiero. Te adoro.

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Fin.

Wow! Okay, major news! I have met Meg herself, at Vero Beach Book Center. She is very awesome and talks a lot like Mia. She goes to fanfiction.net and reads some of the summaries, but the ones with kissing freak her out. She says she's going to review this once she gets back home, and will head off to the Estrogen Militia. WOOHOO!


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